


constants and variables

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pillow Talk, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 04:43:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16078670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: But Steve was still here, despite their arguments, despite his mistakes, despite Ultron, despite everything, he was still here. A new constant in Tony’s life, one he never planned for.





	constants and variables

It was entirely rare for Tony to be in bed before Steve, usually he was racking his brain with new ideas and new projects down in the lab. Sometimes it would be upgrades to the Avengers’ loadouts, other times it would be secret gifts for Steve.

His other half would have to come down to the lab to get him early in the morning and that time was secretly Tony’s favorite. Steve would lovingly lead him back to their room and hold him until he fell asleep. The sunrise would stream in through the window and there would be no distractions, no obligations, just the two of them together.

Today, however, Tony had been extremely short fused and when he almost killed himself discovering a problem with his suit, he decided sleep was a good idea.

Tony sleeps lightly until he hears the bedroom door click open. When Steve enters, he doesn’t say anything and instead lets out a soft sigh. Tony hears him walk to the other side of the bed and start changing his clothes. He had an interview that night, which Tony had admittedly forgot about, but he was usually with Steve answering questions beside him. Tony lifts his eyes to see the clock on the nightstand. 1:32 AM.

He makes a mental note to watch the interview in the morning, feeling a slight ping of guilt for having forgot about it. Tony suddenly feels a dip in the bed, the careful tug of the covers, and Steve’s arm pulls them together.

“It’s good that you’re asleep for once,” Steve starts softly, almost too low to hear. Tony can feel his faint breath on his neck. “Doing that interview… sometimes I hate what I became. Imagine being the face of an entire country. Imagine knowing that people watch your every move and expect something from you all the time. I can’t stand going out because everyone is always _staring_ at me and sometimes, I just want to be that invisible kid from Brooklyn again.” Tony feels him shift, curling in closer. He thinks about turning around and saying something, but instead continues to stay silent.

“When I got the opportunity, I thought it was gonna make me a better man, but I lost every sense of self I had instead. Now I’m Captain America, or the super soldier, or the hero, or even some lab experiment.” The way he says the last phrase stabs Tony’s heart like a knife. “I can never just _be_.”

There’s a pause just long enough for Tony to wish that he’d never said those words to Steve when they first met. To wish he could take it all back. But, it was within Tony’s nature to make quick assumptions, to feel entitled enough to judge others as soon as they stepped on his toes. His words were always faster than his thoughts, always chasing after the other.

“And I don’t know how, but you make me feel like I’m not Captain America, like--- like I’m just me. But, to be honest, I don’t know if I’m enough for you.”

It drives deep through Tony’s heart, tearing it apart with the idea that somehow Steve doesn’t believe he’s good enough for him. Which, he can’t possibly fathom because ultimately, if anything, Tony wasn’t good enough for Steve. He knew he never would be, because god did he fuck up a lot and he didn’t know how Steve forgave him every time.

Forgave wasn’t the right word.

Steve persisted.

He stayed, which Tony hated because he was used to letting people go. People letting go of him. He could never blame them because he was a constant in the ongoing experiment of his own life, no matter how hard he tried to change. Eventually, people would recognize the pattern, come to the conclusion that Tony was always going to be Tony and carry on. That was their conclusion. It didn’t matter how long it took, because it always happened.

Sometimes, Steve makes Tony want to be a variable, so that maybe he could hold on to whatever they had for a little while longer. Because Steve deserves someone better than Tony, better than the man in the suit of armor, not the other way around. Some days, when he steps out of his suit, he can still feel the weight of it on him. Like a ghost that follows him and reminds him that this is who you are and will always be.

But Steve was still here, despite their arguments, despite his mistakes, despite Ultron, despite _everything_ , he was still here. A new constant in Tony’s life, one he never planned for.

Tony still waits for the day that Steve will become a variable, the day he will conclude that Tony can't change. Steve will leave, and he will change and he will grow.

Without Tony.

That was Tony’s conclusion.

Steve feels warm against him, like he always does. Having him next to Tony was almost mandatory at this point, to be wrapped in the comfort of someone else. No matter how much security Tony could drill into the compound, there was nowhere that felt more safe than Steve.

So Tony decides not to say anything, because he wasn’t meant to hear this. Never meant to know that somehow Steve didn’t think he was enough. Something that would never be true. The thought of it burns in his chest as if his arc reactor is melting into his skin. His tiny, burning secret.

It takes him a long time to fall back asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i've been having some repressed feelings about these two lately because i love them,,
> 
> as always, feedback and comments are appreciated!
> 
> check out my [twitter](http://twitter.com/tazisthemaster) and [tumblr](http://xandars.tumblr.com)


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